To be Salt and Light

The Answer is "No"

2011-04-11T07:41:00.005-04:00

"It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows." (Proverbs 20:25).

I tend to overcommit. I am a people-pleaser by nature, a "yes-woman" who likes to think she can do everything. And be everything to everybody. And so I rashly say "yes" far too often than I should. Without first considering whether I will be able to honor that commitment. Without praying about it and seeking God's will.

I've been here too many times in my life. Full of zeal for the idea of a new project with no realistic evaluation of my ability to execute that new project. And that other new project. And the project right over here. And just one more new project. Overcommitment is the pattern of my life. And the root of it is approval-seeking.

But, oh, how I long to be a servant of Christ! Dedicated to His work. Using my talents wisely. Living in the center of His will. Fulfilling His plan for my life. But I can't accomplish this and be a people-pleaser. I cannot serve two masters.

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10).

To be a servant of Christ, I must recognize the unique talents, disposition, and desire God has given to me. And then I need to discern how best to serve Him with that foundation. In Philippians, Paul prays "it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment so that you may approve what is excellent...." (Philippians 1:9-10). My ESV Study Bible explains: "Paul's prayer is that . . . the Philippians' love would find expression in wise actions that would truly benefit others and glorify God . . . . to affirm and practice what is excellent."

I want to practice what is excellent. I want to benefit others and glorify God. I want to be wise - not rash - in my commitment decisions. And so that is my prayer these days, as I further define my role in my family and my calling in this world.

I do know that my God-given desire is to go deep with every task -- to research, plan, perfect, modify, consider, edit, learn, focus . . . and then execute. I am one of those people who wants to dig into the subject matter -- to seek expertise in each task. (For those of you who've seen my garden-planner 3-ring binder complete with charts, graphs, outlines, and diagrams -- you know what I mean. Pun intended.) God did not create me to be a generalist - a jack of all trades and master of none. So, attaching myself to too many projects just isn't the way I can benefit others and glorify God. I need to be selective to best use what God's given me. Yep, the overcommitment has got to go.

So the next time you see me, help me to practice that little word that is so foreign to me . . . . . "No." And please understand when I tell you, "I just can't commit to that today."

Control

2011-02-23T12:24:00.003-05:00

As much as we like to think we can exert control over our lives, the truth is that the Lord has it all. We can be sitting in church worshiping with our families one moment... and the next moment be taken home to be with Jesus. So, why do we try to control every minute of our lives when instead we should be savoring every minute of our lives? Cherishing each minute as if it were the last.

Heavenly Father, take away my desire for control. Pry it from my hands, oh Lord. I want you to wrestle this from me so that I can be free. I want to put my whole trust in You. Because I know that You are the true owner of my life. I just pretend that I can have a say in it. Lord, I don't need to create a false sense of security for myself here on earth. Because in You I am secure for eternity. Amen.

"I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own;
it is not for man to direct his steps.
Correct me, LORD, but only in due measure." (Jeremiah 10:23-24).

Bridging the Gap

2011-02-22T07:48:00.007-05:00

"A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" (Robert Browning, Andrea del Sarto, 1855)

Growing up, this was my favorite motivational quote. (I was an English/Philosophy major after all.) This quote inspired me to dream big, to reach beyond my abilities, to aspire to be the best. As an impressionable young woman who thought she could conquer the world, I read Browning's words to mean that I should always strive to be more than I am -- or what's a heaven (the ultimate aspiration) for?

And strive I did. To excel in high school so that I could go to the college of my choice. To double-major/double-minor in college so that I could get into a top-tier law school. To make stellar grades in law school so that I could land the perfect job. To be the best in my field so that I could be a Supreme Court justice. Yep. I'm embarrassed to admit it now -- but I had a life plan at the ripe old age of 8. And it all rested on reaching for more. Striving for one achievement after another with each goal a little loftier than the one before. Figuratively, with "heaven" as the paramount goal.

Oh, what a metaphor for my spiritual life for the last 35 years! Although I've always known that my salvation wasn't dependent upon my efforts, I haven't always acted as if I believed that Truth. How often have I unintentionally sought God's favor by striving to be the best student, daughter, church-attender, volunteer, servant, mother, wife, friend, Bible-study teacher, scout leader, homeroom mom, neighbor . . . Christian? Oh my, how frequent are my subconscious efforts to earn God's love.

But I know the Truth: He loves me just as I am -- a failing sinner. I will never be good enough on my own, and that's why He sent His Son to be good enough for me. That's what a heaven is for. Because I can reach all I want for God, but I can't grasp Him without Jesus. My reach will always exceed my grasp.

So this morning, God has revealed a whole new meaning to my favorite quote. When my reach exceeds my grasp, I can't bridge the gap with more ambition and striving. I must fill the gap with Jesus. Not only with respect to my salvation, but in all of my day-to-day struggles. When my reach exceeds my grasp, God wants me to look to Him for strength. Not to my own efforts. In fact, He created me so that my reach will exceed my grasp. So that I will run to Him when I inevitably fail. And that is what a heaven's for.

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Devoted Things

2011-02-13T17:01:00.009-05:00

"You cannot stand before your enemies until you take away the devoted things from among you." Joshua 7:13.

That verse jumped out of my Bible and hit me between the eyes this morning during our Sunday School study of Joshua. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was if God was speaking directly to me: "Precious child, what devoted things are you holding on to that are thwarting My power from working for you and through you?"

To truly grasp the magnitude of this verse, we need a little Biblical context. I have to admit that I've never studied Joshua before now. Let's be honest, I've probably never read it before now. But the context of the verse makes all the difference in its significance (imagine that!). So hang with me - here's what bring us to Chapter 7 , verse 13.

The book of Joshua recounts Israel's capture and settlement of the land of Canaan - the Promised Land. After deliverance from bondage and then forty years of wandering, Israel is finally poised at the beginning of Joshua to claim the land God had promised so long ago to Abraham and his descendants. (Because that's just who God is -- He always keeps His promises.) So, the Lord leads the Israelites into battle with the indigenous peoples of Canaan, promising that He will "without fail drive their enemies out from before them." (Joshua 3:10.)

The Lord makes clear in Joshua that He is ready to "do wonders" in Israel's conquest of the Promised Land (Joshua 3:5). He will empower them to drive out enemies far more numerous and mightier. (Deuteronomy 7:1). So that "all the peoples of the earth [will] know that the hand of the Lord is mighty" and will have true faith in Him -- "that you may fear the Lord your God forever." (Joshua 4:24).

And, true to His word, God's strength was apparent from the very moment that the Israelites stepped foot into the land of milk and honey -- He cut off the waters of the Jordan so that they could pass over to Canaan on dry ground. A little preview of the awesomeness that was to come in battle. Forty years to the day after He parted the Red Sea. (Joshua 4:19). Do you think God wants us to know that there are no accidents? There can be no doubt that He has dominion over every detail, down to the very hour and minute. "The sea looked and fled; Jordan turned back." (Psalm 114:3).

Now you'd think that after witnessing such a miracle, the people of Israel would model faithful obedience, with no desire to sin. But that was not the case (as it never is with any of us fallen people). Despite the Lord's clear instructions to set aside for the Lord's treasury certain spoils of war from their battles, i.e., "devoted things," "the people of Israel broke faith in regard to the devoted things" by taking them and "putting them among their own belongings." (Joshua 7:1, 11).

Which brings us to the verse at hand: "Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow; for thus says the Lord, God of Israel, 'There are devoted things in your midst, O Israel. You cannot stand before your enemies until you take the devoted things from among you.'" (Joshua 7:13). There are devoted things in our midst. Devoted things that belong to God. Devoted things that were never meant to be ours. Devoted things that we sinfully hold onto. And the consequences of holding onto that sin? Of not removing those devoted things from among us? Of not consecrating ourselves for tomorrow? We "cannot stand before our enemies." We thwart God's power working through us. We miss out on His mightiness. And we cannot stand.

So, are there devoted things in your midst? Do you need to consecrate yourselves for tomorrow? I know I do.

A Surprise Blessing

2011-01-17T12:35:00.008-05:00

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory!" (Ephesians 3:20-21).

Our God is full of surprises. Without a doubt He keeps His promises, but He also delights in showering us with unexpected blessings. Like the blessing of an incredibly, miraculously easy medical procedure this morning with our first daughter. All of our past horrible experiences with this test and worst fears for this round -- well, God knew that today was to be different.

And why, again, do I doubt Him? Why, again, do I assume the worst-case scenario rather than trusting that my God can do anything? We still have some difficult decisions to make about surgery for our daughter, but I have a strange peace about it, knowing that the Lord is in control.

So, we are confident and ready for test number two with daughter number two tomorrow. And "in the morning, Lord, I will lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." (Psalm 5:3). Because, I trust - I know - that "You do awesome things that we do not expect." (Isaiah 64:3).

Rest.

2011-01-16T14:02:00.008-05:00

God designed the seventh day of the week - Sunday - to be a day of rest. And oh, how I need it today.

So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:11-12).

My girls are scheduled tomorrow and Tuesday for medical tests that have me pretty anxious. And when I get anxious, I work myself into a frenzy - doing, fretting, controlling, going- when I know good and well that what I need to do is rest.

Rest in the Lord, and give His Word the opportunity to pierce my soul and spirit. Because when I'm doing and fretting and controlling and going . . . I'm not giving Him a chance. The passage above from Hebrews speaks so clearly to me: I must rest from my works; I must strive to enter His rest because it will not come naturally; and in that rest, God's Truth will pierce to my very core.

God promises rest throughout his Word. In Second Chronicles, "all Judah . . . had sought him with their whole desire, and he was found by them, and the LORD gave them rest all around." (2 Chronicles 15:15). Oh, Lord, I need rest all around. In 1 Kings, God fulfills His promise of rest: "Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses. (1 Kings 8:56). Oh, Lord, give me the promise of rest. And again in Isaiah, "like cattle that go down to the plain, they were given rest by the Spirit of the LORD." Isaiah 53:14. Oh, Lord, I crave rest from your Spirit.

I can feel Jesus begging me: "Come to me, Laura, you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul." (Matthew 11:28-29). I can only find rest by trusting Him. By giving over my burdens to Him. And in that rest, He promises that "Christ's power will rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

So, today, I will be intentional about resting. I will not be in a frenzy. I will be silent so that I can hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. I will be still so that God's Word has a chance to speak Truth to my soul.

Today, "for God alone my soul rests in silence." (Psalms 62:1).

Joy in Obedience

2011-01-11T20:18:00.017-05:00

"You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from Him who calls you." Galatians 5:7-8.

Yep. I had a good run there, Lord. It all started a few years ago, during a not-so-great-run, when You stripped our family bare. Broken, I finally surrendered. I gave up and obeyed. I finally let Your will be done. And what immeasurable blessing You bestowed on our family on the other side of that obedience.

Wow, I really had no idea what You could do with my life if I just let go and let You. You wrapped it up with a bow on top: a perfect new home in South Carolina, a perfect job for Adam and a perfect half-job for me, a perfect church, a perfect community, a perfect group of believers to uplift us, and so much more. You gave me far more than I thought possible -- and we found a happiness I never thought I deserved.

I learned during that time that it is certainly easier for me to continue in obedience while I am still enjoying the fruits of past obedience. And while we basked in the glow of your overwhelming blessings, it was a good run.

Then I got comfortable. The brokenness had been restored. Memories of Your redemption quickly faded. Blessings were taken for granted. I began to forget that You were the One responsible. And I got selfish. Isn't it so easy to become selfish and complacent when things are going well? That's usually when I am most at risk of letting my obedience and trust slip.

So here I am, Lord. Not running so well these days. It seems that somehow along the way, I thought it might be a little more fun for me to be in charge. And I gave in to sin. Not dramatically or deliberately -- I didn't just up and decide to stop obeying You one day. Nope, I slowly and quite unintentionally tip-toed into repetitive disobedience. Little by little, I gave into my sinful desires, and little by little, my own voice began to squelch the voice of the Holy Spirit.

Isn't that just how Satan operates? Just as you get comfortable with what the Lord has given you, Satan begins to prowl. He looks for a point of entry and then slowly, almost imperceptibly, he chips away at your relationship with the Lord. Until one morning, you wake up and realize that you feel very distant from the God you love. And you see that you've been pursuing the things of this world, and that they aren't filling you up at all. In fact, they are making you feel emptier with each passing day.

Empty and trapped. Giving in to sin isn't freedom because it will never fulfill you. Sin won't satisfy you -- it only makes you hungrier for more. And so your desire for sin multiplies until you are trapped in the cycle of wanting more and more and more to fill up that ever-increasing hole inside of you. That God-shaped hole that only Jesus can fill.

And that, my friends, is why when God speaks of sin, He uses words like "slave" (Romans 6) and "prisoner" (Luke 4:18, God's Word Translation). Oh Satan is deceptive -- he can easily convince you that Godly obedience is confining and rigid, while self-gratification is freeing and exhilarating. While it may be true that "when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness . . . . [here's the kicker,] what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed?" (Romans 6:20-21). That's right. Sin doesn't bear fruit. It just consumes it.

That's not what God intended for us. We "were called to freedom, sisters -- not [to] use that freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love [to] serve one another." (Galatians 5:13). I must remind myself - daily, hourly, minute by minute - that there is freedom and joy in obedience to God. Remember the hymn: "Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." (Hymn by John H. Sammis, 1887).

For some strange reason, I have convinced myself that it is way more fun to do it my way. It all comes down selfishness and, frankly, unbelief. I don't believe that God will keep His promises. I think I can do better when I'm at the wheel. So I must constantly ask myself, what Gospel Truth am I not believing because I have fallen prey to Satan's lies that I will be happier indulging myself? Can't you just hear God's reply: "[w]ho hindered you from obeying the Truth? This persuasion is not from Him who calls you." (Galatians 5:7-8).

I will choose to believe His Truth that there is joy in obedience. (Job 36:11; Psalm 119:14-16; 2 Corinthians 3:17). I will choose to believe His Truth that there are blessings within the boundaries that God has established for my life. (Psalm 16:6). I will choose to believe His Truth that He wants me not only to have life, but to have it abundantly. (John 10:10). But, oh, isn't it a struggle to deny ourselves, take up the cross daily, and follow Him? (Luke 9:23). And yet, I will choose to believe:

that He will sprinkle clean water on me, and I shall be clean from all my uncleannesses, and from all my idols He will cleanse me. And He will give me a new heart, and a new spirit He will put within me. And He will remove the heart of stone from my flesh and give me a heart of flesh. And He will put His Spirit within me, and cause me to walk in His statutes and be careful to obey His rules.

(Ezekiel 36:25-27). Yep, He knows I don't have the capacity to even halfway obey Him. And so He promises to carry me down that road as well.

Great is His faithfulness. Morning by morning, new mercies I see. He keeps His promises. Including the most important Truth of all -- no matter how hard I try, or how well I obey, I will never be good enough to justify my own salvation. And that's because the measure of my obedience can't and won't save me. Jesus saved me. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9).

Thank goodness my eternal salvation doesn't depend on my obedience (or, ahem, lack thereof) . But it does bring about joy. Full, satisfying joy -- the kind that can only come from Christ.

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

(John 15:10-11).

A Servant's Heart

2010-06-20T21:45:00.004-04:00

Humility; selflessness; a servant's heart. These are all things that I am struggling with during this long, hot summer. (Has it really only been three weeks?) As a stay-at-home mom, I am in the business of service. I don't produce anything. I don't have any goods to show for my labor. I simply serve. Three meals a day and snacks in between. Fresh laundry and clean dishes. Band-aids and sunscreen. Discipline and praise.

But lately, I find myself growing weary of this service. I long for meaning in my daily drudgery. I crave excitement and challenge.

But the truth is, God has called me to this station in life in this moment. He has called me to serve my husband and children. "In humility, to count them more significant than myself . . . . to look not only to my own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Phillipians 2:3-4). To serve out of love, not obligation. To "not grow weary of doing good." (Galatians 6:9).

And so, I pray. I pray fervently that God will fill me back up again so that I "walk in love." (Ephesians 5:2). So that I may be "a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" as I go about my daily tasks. (Ephesians 5:2).

Because I have learned that a true servant's heart cannot be manufactured. I just cannot fake joy these days. It must overflow from Christ's love for me. "For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13). Quite simply, unless it is "faith working from through love," it just doesn't count. (Galatians 5:6).

When we are united with Christ, we are called to emulate his example - "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant." (Phillipians 2:6-7).

A true servant's heart springs forth from the realization that Christ loved me so much that "he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:8). The Lord of the universe gave his own life for me. To save me. Although I am not sure that my finite mind will ever comprehend the "breadth and length and height and depth" of Christ's love for me, I pray that I may be "filled with all the fullness of God" so that my actions seek only to glorify Him. (Ephesians 3:18-19).

"For from him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to him be glory for ever." (Romans 11:36). If the chief end of man is to glorify God, then even my most banal actions have eternal meaning. Oh, what an opportunity to reflect the love of Christ to my husband and children if I were to perform my duties with joy and humility! If I were to serve the Lord with gladness in even the most mundane task! (Psalm 100:2). Because isn't serving Christ what I'm really doing when I make that millionth peanut butter sandwich with the crusts cut off?

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" (Matthew 25:40).

Let this take root in your heart

2010-06-13T14:22:00.007-04:00

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:14-21

Identity: Performance-Based or Grace-Based?

2010-03-18T19:45:00.016-04:00

I have recently derailed my legal career in favor of being a full-time wife and mom to my precious husband and preschool girls. God has been leading my heart to this end for a long time, but He has mercifully - oh so mercifully - allowed me to take baby steps to get here. First, He made it abundantly clear that my twenty-hour days at a fancy corporate defense firm had to go. Although I resigned that job amidst much criticism from my peers who thought I was crazy for giving all of that up, God blessed me with a sweet government service position that increased my joy ten-fold. And then, when we made the decision to move our family back to my husband's hometown, God pried my fingers off that full-time job that I adored (perhaps too much!) . . . only to give it back to me in an even better form telecommuting part-time from our new home two states away. But then health problems intervened, and it became clear that even that perfect part-time job wasn't His will for me any longer.

And now here I am. A housewife. Couponing instead of litigating. Reading "Pinkalicious" instead of case law. Serving meals instead of justice.

So why, you might ask, am I sometimes still anxious? Shouldn't I be far less so now that the pressures of the workplace are off my back and I have nothing but a home to manage? (Cue the polite laughter from stay-at-home moms everywhere who know there is oh-so-much more to it than light dusting, eating bon-bons, and watching soap operas.)

Oh, no. My anxiety has not magically disappeared with the last vestiges of my career. Indeed, for those of us who have learned to define ourselves by accomplishments -- by checking off action items on a "to-do" list, by affirmation from a boss or co-workers, and by feedback on performance -- being a stay-at-home mom is perhaps the worst possible job match.

These days, when I survey the wreckage that is my kitchen only minutes after I've spent an hour cleaning that same space, I realize that I now have a job that is mostly devoid of affirmation and accomplishment. Sure, I can make my floor sparkle and pat myself on the back for a job well done. But when kiddos and dogs descend on that space a mere five minutes later- my accomplishment disappears.

In my new career, I cannot count check-marks on a "to-do" list in order to be proud of what I've done in a day. There are many days when I do nothing but hold a sick child. Or spin in circles trying to clean a house that dirties faster than you can imagine. Yep, I wash the same towels over and over again. I discipline my children for the same infractions over and over again. I make the same dinners over and over again. I watch sisterly drama unfold over and over again. Nope, it's pretty clear that my current job is not one that will be defined by accomplishments.

And the amazing thing that God is teaching me through this new job of mine is that for too long (maybe even all of my life!), I have depended on accomplishments - my performance - for my very identity. I have become a person who needs affirmation that I am doing a good job to feel good about myself. I have learned to rely on feedback for my confidence. And I have developed the habit of punishing myself when my performance is less than what I expect -- which is pretty much every day in this new job of stay-at-home mom.

In other words, I have made an idol out of my performance. I look to my accomplishments for fulfillment instead of Christ. I desire perfect performance instead of my God's perfect love. I serve affirmation instead of my Father in heaven. I trust the approval of others instead of trusting God. It may not be a golden calf, but it's an idol nonetheless because I've come to rely on it instead of my Lord. "My beloved, flee from idolatry." (1 Corinthians 10:14).

Oh, but how can I develop a new identity after all of these years? And then I hear my precious Lord reminding me . . . "Laura, your identity was never defined by your performance. Your identity is defined by Christ. It's about what Christ did for you on the cross. It's about His accomplishment, not yours."

Now if I could only believe that every moment of every day. If I could only focus on that instead of getting bogged down in my failures. But the truth is, I can't change my own heart to accept God's Truth. Nope, I think God's got that one for me too. He has been working on this heart of mine for a long time. I may not be where I need to be in believing and living God's Truth, but God's brought me a long way from where I once was. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26).

Oh Lord, what a lesson you are teaching me in this new role of mine. You are painfully, oh so painfully, stripping away my idol of performance because you don't want me to look to it any longer as a measure of who I am. You certainly don't view me that way. I couldn't ever perform well enough to earn Your love. I fail over and over again to be perfect enough to earn my spot in heaven. And that's why you sent your Son to die for my failures. So that when You look at me, you see Christ's perfection. Not my imperfection. Christ's accomplishment. Not my inadequacy. And that, my friends, is grace.

Ezekiel 36:25-28
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules . . . , and I will be your God.

Be Still

2009-08-19T21:20:00.018-04:00

"Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10).

Be still. Slow Down. Be silent. My thoughts are not very good at these concepts. That’s the core of my anxiety. My thoughts don’t stop when I want them to, and they often run ahead of where I’d like them to go. I don’t ponder a misstep I’ve made, I ruminate about it. I don’t wonder about the reason why someone acted the way she did, I obsess over it. I don’t casually consider what might happen if I do or say something, I try to predict every possible outcome and every possible reaction.

Oh, please be still.

This "inability to turn my brain off" is what sought me to seek professional help for anxiety in the first instance. Because I've learned the hard way that if my thoughts are not arrested soon enough, I suffer physical consequences. My heart beats rapidly. I am suddenly so hot I begin to sweat. I get dizzy. My arms start to tingle. I have trouble breathing. I can’t focus on anything else. I panic.

Oh, please be still.

Through Christian counseling, and lots of "talking it out," I have learned that my thoughts don’t just spiral out of control. They sprint from Point A to Point Z. Like lightning. It happens so fast that I don’t even realize it. It is so innate that I know no other way. I guess this has served me well in advocacy - I have always been told that I can think quickly on my feet. But there is no question that this trait is not serving me well in life.

Oh, please be still.

I am learning that my thoughts sprint over and over again to the same conclusions - the same themes. No matter what the precipitating event or comment, no matter what my role . . . I feel:

Guilt. Guilt that I have been a burden on someone. Guilt that I haven’t measured up to appropriate standards. Guilt that I have not fulfilled my duties. Guilt that I haven’t pleased someone. Guilt that I haven't been perfect.

And Fear. Fear that I am a failure. Fear that I will not be accepted. Fear that I will not be loved. Fear that my imperfections will be discovered . . . and rejected.

My brain’s "worst case scenario" is inextricably intertwined with my innate (yet, unhealthy) desire for perfectionism. It doesn’t matter what actually was said or done, my brain interprets it to be the worst case scenario. Everything I observe or hear goes through that filter. So much so, that someone who knows me well recently admonished me to recount: "exactly what was said, not what you heard."

Oh, please be still.

I’ve been seeking help for anxiety for several years now, but it seems I’ve always been given things "to do" to help ease my anxiety. Tools that are meant to "cure" me. I've been told to consider other scenarios instead of just the "worst case scenario." To replace each untrue thought with a true statement. To refocus. To retrain. Sure, these are all good suggestions. But so far they’ve been unsuccessful. Why? I think because my thoughts instinctively run so fast that I can’t catch up. I can’t get in between them to replace or refocus or retrain. Because by the time I realize I need to make a change to my thoughts, I’m already too far gone.

Oh, please be still.

I think that what's missing from all of that well-meaning advice is a crucial first step. Be still. Slow Down. Let God into the thought process. And how will I do that? Well, I won’t.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:14).

The Lord says that I need only have "faith the size of a mustard seed" that He can accomplish anything. (Matthew 17:19-20). That He can even slow down, and then transform, my thoughts. That He can do the very thing that I have utterly and absolutely failed to do for myself.

And the thing is, I’ve seen His work before. I've watched amazing transformations in other areas of my life that could only have come from God. Not long ago God heard my desperate plea that I be given the capacity to forgive a person who had hurt me deeply. God knew that I was fighting forgiveness with every ounce of my being. But He took my tiny ounce of faith - which was bound up in countless doubts and fears - and He worked forgiveness into my heart of stone. Looking back many months later, I cannot even remember what it felt like to not feel that forgiveness.

That’s how He works. Just give Him whatever you’ve got - no matter how small and insignificant it seems - and He will magnify it exponentially. So that’s how I will start here. With a prayer. And my faith in what He’s done before in my life. Because that’s all I have to offer.

This certainly isn’t going to be a quick fix. No, it most certainly will not happen when I want it to happen. It will be at the "time appointed by God." (Genesis 21:2). And yet again, God is reminding me that true healing comes not from something I do or accomplish. True healing comes from Him. From what He accomplishes.

So, in the meantime, I will "wait for the LORD. I will be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." (Psalm 27:14).

And I will listen to the "still, small voice" of the Lord. (1 Kings 19:12). I will hear Him say: "Be still. Let me into the process of your thoughts. Let Me help you replace your untrue thoughts with my Truth. Where you are weak, I am strong." And I will cling to His promise -- that eventually, through His grace, I will no longer be captive to anxiety, but:

"I will be transformed by the renewal of my mind." (Romans 12:2).

All for Good

2009-08-01T11:30:00.035-04:00

Romans 8:28
"And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."

For years and years, I have clung to this verse in the midst of struggles. It has given me hope during difficult times. Hope to know that I will not endure my current circumstances forever. That something positive will come of that period of life. That God will somehow turn bad circumstances into something good for me. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

But here’s the kicker: I have to let Him. I have to give over the reins of control and let God orchestrate my circumstances. I can’t try to manipulate them how I think they should turn out -- or try to make them better on my own. Because that often just makes the situation worse. I have to let go and let God. Oh how hard that is! To give up the driver’s seat . . . that’s not a role I enjoy. But that’s what God wants. Total submission.

And there’s the other thing about Romans 8:28 that has taken me a long time to accept. Although God loves me dearly, his love does not mean that the “good” of Romans 8:28 is the same “good” defined by earthly standards. This verse does not guarantee “wealthy” good, or “happy” good, or “healthy” good, or anything else that makes me “comfortable” good. It speaks of an eternal good. It guarantees that all things will work together to accomplish what God knows is best for me – not what I want for me. Oh sure, sometimes these definitions coincide, and I find myself blessed with the things I desire for comfort. But sometimes they simply do not. Sometimes I would never use the earthly definition of “good” to describe my life circumstances.

I’ve found myself in that very situation all too often during the last four years. When I never would have described my circumstances as “good.” When I never could have envisioned God orchestrating my struggles for a positive outcome. When I never could have imagined that the very worst experiences of my life would - eventually - bear good fruit.

You see, for a period of about four years, our little family was under an unrelenting assault of medical problems. It started with my pregnancies - both of which resulted in multiple health problems for me and our unborn babies. Gestational diabetes. Preeclampsia. Pre-term contractions that dangerously affected our daughter’s heart rate. Because of those conditions, I was put on weeks of home bed rest with our first girl. And, with our second girl, I was confined to in-hospital bed rest on twenty-four hour monitoring and medication – leaving my husband at home to care for our twenty-month old. Both girls were born weeks before their due dates when my doctor determined that the risks outweighed the benefits of inducing labor early.

And, as if the known complications weren’t enough, a totally unexpected complication almost took the life of our second daughter during labor -- a very rare condition called shoulder dystocia. Thank goodness I’d never heard of it when it happened, because the statistics are not pretty. I will forever be haunted by the sound of my doctor saying, “Call for help! Call one of my partners! Laura, push with everything you've got!” And the fear of knowing that it was up to me to rescue her. And the image of my child immediately after her birth- purple in color and completely silent - being passed over to a team of neonatal specialists. I do not doubt that God miraculously saved our precious child.

After her birth, we were left to pick up the pieces. Two post-birth surgeries for me. Repeat visits to the hospital for my postpartum blood pressure spikes. Baby jaundice treated with twenty-four hour bilirubin lights in a “bili bed." A spinal tap, CAT scan, and week-long stay at children's hospital for our tiny six-week old after she spiked a 104 fever and had a seizure. Suspicions of meningitis that were finally - and thankfully - diagnosed instead as severe Vesicoureteral Reflux, or “Kidney Reflux." Although kidney reflux requires daily medication and carries the possibillity of future surgery - it isn’t life threatening.

But the assault on our family's health didn't end there. Even with all of those pregnancy and child-related health problems, there was still time for me to be plagued with other health problems that had nothing to do with pregnancy or children. An emergency appendectomy. A dangerous intestinal infection called "C Diff." Mononucleosis. (I mean seriously! Did you know that a 32-year old could get the “kissing disease”?). And somehow, throughout all of that, we also completed a full home renovation, my husband earned his MBA and changed jobs, and I continued to work as a full-time lawyer. In retrospect it seems obvious that we were doing far too much under the circumstances. And it seems inevitable that my anxiety would turn a sharp corner: from “functional Type A behavior” to “debilitating panic.”

And yet, even in the midst of the lowest of those experiences, I know that God never let go of our little family. Romans 8:28 provides assurance that God had plans to work even those circumstances for good. But, unfortunately, we weren’t ready to let Him. We stubbornly failed to rely on God alone. We were still trying to help ourselves. So we sought comfort in the things of this world instead of looking to the Lord. And as a result, we made our circumstances even worse. Our marriage was threatened. Our financial stability suffered. Our priorities became compromised. We desperately searched this world for relief from what seemed to be a constant barrage of stressful circumstances. And in doing so, we fell so far away from God’s will for our lives, we weren’t even sure which way was up. Until one day, we were stripped so bare that we had nothing left to cling to. Our earthly comforts had totally failed to make us happy. Indeed they had utterly thwarted our happiness. And in the darkness of that day, we were left with nothing but Christ.

It’s hard to admit that even now. That we didn’t handle those circumstances “perfectly.” That we didn’t react the way God wanted. That we quit seeking the will of God when we needed Him the most. And that we had to be stripped down to the very core before we turned it over to Him. But that is what happened. And this is why I feel it is so important to own up to that: I hope that by being transparent about that failure, it will be an encouragement to others to let God have the reins in the first instance and not the last. And I pray that we will never go there again.

But here’s the good part. Looking back on that day, I realize that God used even the darkest of our days for good. He used our absolute desperation to draw us back to Him with a fervor and intensity that had never before existed in our family. We slowly began to give over the control of our lives to Him. Not only seeking His help to clean up the messes we had made in our comfort-seeking, but seeking His will for the future of our family. And that is when He began to work a mighty change in our lives.

God’s calling for each family is different. But for us, God had made it clear to us during those four years of constant hardship that we simply could not continue on the same pathway and survive as a family. We were relying too much on the things of this world. And we could not do it all. God convicted us that we needed to simplify. We needed to set priorities grounded in Biblical principles. And we needed to pare down our lives accordingly.

So we sat down and wrote newly revised priorities for our family based upon what we felt called by God to change. More time for me with the girls and more focus on my role as a wife and mother. Less focus for me on work and being a financial provider. A new job for my husband that would fulfill his career desires and require less travel. Less materialism. Living within our means. Paying off debt. The list goes on and on. More than anything, those new priorities reflected what we had learned was not working for our family. The truth is, we had no idea if what we had written on paper would translate, in reality, into a fulfilling life. But we had the promise of Romans 8:28. And we felt confident that our new priorities were consistent with Biblical principles. And so we pressed on.

And eventually it became apparent that truly submitting to what we believed was God’s will for us would involve completely starting over. A total overhaul. Uprooting our family from our home of eight years. Derailing my career. Becoming a stay-at-home mom for the first time when my children were already accustomed to a different arrangement. Leaving Alabama, the state where all of my family lives. Leaving our church and our friends. Adjusting to a new job for my husband. Downgrading our financial status and our spending. Adopting new roles. Removing old habits. But God led us to press on. To trust Him to know what was best. To give it all up to His hands.

It was a difficult time. I’m not going to lie. But there was a strange peace in it. A strange release of the need to control the outcome. We found out that when you give every detail over to God, we didn’t have to worry about orchestrating the outcome anymore. We didn’t have to worry that we would fail, as we had before, to choose what is best for us. Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 became my mantras. I clung to them as I waited for God’s plan to unfold.

And now, over a year later, I can look back with amazement at how utterly perfectly God conducted the symphony of our lives. Oh sure, it wasn’t what I expected at all. But it is far more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Because with each drastic change that God’s new plan for our lives required, He provided a small lifeline of security.

First, God dropped the job of my husband’s dreams in his lap just weeks after he began looking. But it was in South Carolina, six hours away from our home and two states away from any of my family. God’s life line? That job was in Columbia, my husband’s hometown where we had a ready-made family support system of his parents and sister. Next, God granted me my heart’s desire for more time to raise my girls. But it involved me abandoning the career I’d work so hard for and which had defined me for all of my adult life. But just when I wondered how my identity would handle such change, God gave me a life line. My employer kept me on part-time and allowed me to work sixteen hours a week remotely - I could do all my work from our new home in South Carolina and email it back to Alabama.

God also perfectly orchestrated our home situation. At a time when the real estate market was rapidly crashing, God delivered the perfect buyers for our home one week after we put it on the market “for sale by owner” and a few days before we were to list it with a realtor. They wanted to move in just one week after my husband’s new job was scheduled to start. Ironically, our house sold so quickly we had no place to land in our new state. So, God gave us in-laws who graciously allowed us to live with them while we found the perfect home for our family. We had committed to lowering our standard of living so that we could pay off our debt, fulfill our tithe, live within our means, and adjust to my reduction in salary. But God gave us a house in the school district we desired and at the price we needed . . . and it wasn’t much smaller than our old home in Alabama.

God also blessed us with a community of believers and a Spirit-filled church family. In that order. You see, when we first moved to South Carolina, we began attending one particular church that I thought was right for our family. Not because God had led me there, but because it was the same denomination in which I’d been raised. In Alabama, we belonged to a church in the denomination of my husband’s childhood. So it was only fair that if I moved to his hometown, I should pick the denomination, right?

Umm, not God’s plan. During the months that we attended the church of my choosing, I began to make friends through various outlets– at the park, at garage sales, at the grocery store, in my neighborhood, at my daughter’s dance class, at my daughters’ preschool, at a community Bible study held at the church we were attending. And it was uncanny. Despite those different contexts in which I met and became friends with these women, I discovered that most all of them whose faith I admired belonged to the same church. A different church than that which we were attending. A church that was neither the denomination of my childhood nor my husband’s. Shouldn’t I have learned by now that I can’t dictate what is best for my family . . . I must submit entirely to God’s will? Oh my, this is a lesson I learn over and over again.

Looking back, it was clear that God surrounded me with women with a strong faith in Christ to not only give me a strong support system, but to guide us to the right church home. One that would encourage and disciple us in our spiritual growth. I cannot speak highly enough of our church and its Bible-based teachings. Since becoming a part of that community less than a year ago, I have learned more and grown more in my Walk with the Lord than I did in the twenty years prior. Although I made a decision at an early age to accept Christ as my personal Savior, my spiritual growth was stalled for many years. It’s not anymore. God is working very hard in our lives these days. And we are finally listening.

Although I sometimes still feel the pain from that barrage of hardship we endured, it is no longer piercing. And now, with the benefit of some temporal distance from the intensity of that pain, I have a different perspective. I can look beyond it. And from this vantage point, I can now see the amazing work that God has done, and is doing, through some of those experiences. I am starting to see some of the “good.” Oh it doesn’t mean our hardships are over. It doesn’t mean that we haven’t found new struggles in our new life. Because we have.

But God has given us an amazing gift in the midst of all this. He has given us HOPE. By showing us a glimpse of the good that He’s orchestrated from all that we endured during those four years, He’s given us hope. Something to which we can cling in the hardships of the present and future. Hardships for which it appears there is no purpose. I can’t see what God is going to do in my life, but I can remind myself of what He has already done. What He’s restored. What He’s redeemed. How he has used some horribly painful situations to transform our hearts. How He has shown us a mighty grace amidst the backdrop of a mighty hardship. So when I don’t understand why He is doing something, I need to remind myself to trust His heart.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.

Salt and Light

2009-07-22T13:03:00.016-04:00

Matthew 5:13-16 (from "The Message")
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt - seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? . . . .Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."

Some months ago, I began to feel that the Lord was calling me to share publicly some of the hardships I’ve encountered in recent years - - to serve as encouragement and hope for those who might be suffering from similar circumstances. I know that during my darkest times, Christian friends with shared experiences have given me hope. Those are the people who have pointed my eyes back to Christ when I can’t see anything but the pain before me. Those are the people who have reminded me to press on because the pain will lessen. And those are the people I admire so much for their courage and transparency. Were it not for what those trusted friends have so openly shared with me, I would not have been encouraged.

So I felt called to be that for others. To reveal hardships I've endured from the perspective of Christ’s deliverance from those circumstances. To be open about some painful times in the past so that God's glory would shine through them. To be salt and light.
I imagined a detached type of writing – where I simply recounted the difficult things that had happened to me and how God had worked them for good. So, I set up this blog and . . . I did nothing. For months on end, I did nothing. Because I was waiting. Waiting for God to completely deliver me from those circumstances about which I would speak. Waiting for the aftershocks to stop, so that I could package each struggle into a little box and talk about it from the other side – a post-struggle side when the pain had been swept up and I had been put back together. Waiting for when God was finished with me. When I was that perfect work that demonstrates His glory. When I became that "shining" example of a Christian who had endured my struggles with grace and courage. When I was ... the image of Christ, I suppose.

Only here’s the thing. I’m still waiting. God’s not done with me yet. He’s not going to be finished with me until the day I die and become like Him. He is going to continue to refine me through struggles - big and small. And He may even revisit past struggles that I’ve moved to my "DONE" list, to show me a small part of my heart that hasn’t been healed yet, and to remind me that my healing comes from Christ alone.

And that realization is what finally convicted me to start writing. To start sharing - not at the "accomplished" end of the story - but smack dab in the ugly middle. Where I am messy. Where I am broken. Where God is working and refining and sanctifying me. The irony is that God would prompt me - a person who struggles with anxiety and an unhealthy desire for perfectionism - to reveal how very imperfect I am. And I now see that is the most authentic me. The most real way to share my faith with others. Because I will never be perfect. And that’s OK. Because my imperfection lets God shine, not me.

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 says, "God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made His light shine in our hearts . . . But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." I always understood this passage to mean that God’s power shines through me - an ordinary person, an unadorned jar of clay - so that God receives the glory, not me.

But I now see that God’s description of me as a "jar of clay" has yet another meaning. A jar of clay is fragile. It can be cracked. And the more hardship I encounter - the more suffering I endure - the more my jar of clay becomes cracked. Becomes more imperfect. But the beauty of it is this: the more cracks that I have in my jar, the more openings I have for God’s perfect glory to shine through. Those cracks are an oppotunity. You see, God has reminded me that "His power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9). There is perfection in my imperfection. Oh how awesome is that?

Do you know the Jesus I know?

2009-07-18T21:11:00.005-04:00

We can go to church every Sunday, try to be good "Christians" who follow God's commandments, and recite Bible verses, but still not truly know Jesus. Sure, church attendance, good behavior, and Bible knowledge are all good things. But they are all things that WE do. And that's the thing -- truly knowing Jesus has nothing to do with what we do. It has to do with what Jesus did for us on the cross, and what He will continue to do in our hearts and lives every day.

The only way I know how to explain this is through the eyes of my own (unhealthy) quest for perfectionism. To truly know Jesus, we need only accept His free gift of salvation. For a perfectionist like me, that's a difficult concept. A free gift with no strings attached? Nothing I have to do to earn it? No required - or at least expected - "thank you" note? That's right -- it's a true gift -- it's utterly and totally free. The Bible says, "the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 6:23). That salvation has nothing to do with our efforts - it cannot be earned. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works." (Ephesians 2:8-9).

And thank goodness! As I expressed in my first post, The Perfect Thorn, it's inevitable that I will fail to be perfect in my efforts. We are all sinners. We all fail to be good enough at some point and sometimes, as I do, we fail over and over and over again. The Bible reminds us that "all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23).

But we don't have to beat ourselves up! We don't have to continually say, "Next time I will try harder God to earn your love and maybe earn my place in heaven." Nope. It doesn't work that way. God loves us "with an everlasting love." (Jeremiah 31:3). He loves us so much that He sent His son to take the punishment for our sins.

It's not that I don't deserve punishment for my bad behavior. I do. But God doesn't punish me - or you - for failing to be good enough. Jesus took that punishment for us on the cross -- for each and every time I misbehave. For each and every time that I fail to measure up. The Bible says that, "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on [Jesus] the [sins] of us all." (Isaiah 53:6). To hear that I no longer need to punish myself, I just need to accept that the punishment has already been fulfilled, is such freedom for me! Freedom from God's punishment; freedom from my own self-inflicted punishment.

So it's that simple. It is through faith in Christ alone that we receive salvation. "Believe [trust] in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved." (Acts 16:31). And when you have faith that Jesus absolved you of the need to earn your place in heaven, when you trust in Christ alone for your eternity . . . well, then, my friend, you know my Jesus. A Jesus who has taken the punishment so that we no longer need to punish ourselves when we fail to be good enough. A Jesus who knows that I will never be perfect -- that I will never be able to measure up to my standards, or the world's standards, or even God's standards. A Jesus who says, "I know you will not be perfect, my child, and that is OK. Because I WAS - and AM - perfect for you." Oh my sweet Lord. THAT IS GRACE.

And for someone who is stricken with anxiety like I am, the pure beauty of saving faith in Jesus is this. I never have to wonder if I'm good enough for heaven. Oh, sure, I don't have a certificate on my wall that marks me as a Christian. But my heart is marked. And I know that my faith in Jesus is a saving faith - that Jesus has earned me an unshakeable spot in heaven - because God's Word makes that very clear. "These things I have written to you . . . that you may know that you have eternal life." (1 John 5:13). "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life." (John 6:47). When you accept Jesus as your Savior and trust in Him alone for your salvation, you are good enough because He's good enough. No more attempting to earn salvation by being good enough, and wondering if you've done enough.

And when I fail to be good, which I inevitably do, I cannot only be confident that my place in heaven is secure, but I know that my sweet Lord will pick me up, dust me off, and remind me that my identity is in Christ, not in my performance. I am no longer determined by my worth, but the worth of the only One who truly was perfect. "And being made perfect, [Jesus] became the source of eternal salvation." (Hebrews 5:9). "By a single offering, [Jesus] has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." (Hebrews 10:14). Oh what a gift! Especially for a (reforming) perfectionist like me. My God is so good.

So, I'll ask again. Do you know my Jesus? If not, don't you want to? You need only call upon his name, confess that you will never be good enough on your own by trusting that He alone is good enough, and transfer your trust to Him. "For with the heart one believes and is justified (made perfect), and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:10,13).

The Perfect Thorn

2009-07-16T21:18:00.006-04:00

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
. . . a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Through these verses and others, God is working on me. Oh my is He working. And it is painful because it is always painful to admit weakness - to admit that you need healing in some area. But I clearly do. And my pain is magnified by the nature of what God's working on right now, which goes to the very core of my being.

You see, God is revealing to me that I am driven, in too many ways to count, by my desire to be PERFECT. I guess I always knew that about myself. I have always been driven not only to do my best, but to BE the best at whatever I'm doing at that moment -- daughter, sister, student, lawyer, mother, friend, employee, wife, homemaker, entertainer, exerciser, birthday-cake baker . . . you get the picture. But what I didn't know, because I didn't yet have "ears to hear" what the Lord wanted me to know, is that my desire is very unhealthy.

God has made clear to me, in no uncertain terms, that my desire to be PERFECT is about nothing other than....

MY NEED:
to be "in control" of myself and my sphere of influence (which includes people, things, circumstances, etc.)

WHICH I TRY TO ACCOMPLISH BY:
keeping my sphere of influence within certain limits that I deem to be "perfect" (i.e be a diligent Christian whose eyes are always focused on Christ, be loving and patient at all times, know the perfect answer to every question, respond appropriately to whatever life throws my way, eat only healthy food, exercise five times a week, keep a perfectly clean home, cook savory dinners every night, have perfectly behaved children, have a marriage that is beyond reproach, , etc.)

SO THAT:
I will feel love and comfort when others affirm, praise, and accept me for that performance.
In essence, so that I will be exalted for that wonderful control I am able to maintain. Did you get that? I want to be in perfect so that I -- that's right ME - will be exalted. Not so that God will be exalted.

Essentially, I equate "being perfect" with being in control of everything - or at least appearing that I am in control of everything. And I think that if I exhibit the perfect balance of control over things of this world, then people of this world will love me, respect me, and affirm me -- which makes me feel good about myself.

Unfortunately, Satan is ready and willing to confirm that view of the world with affirmation from others when I exhibit that control and seem to have it all together. Well meaning people who pay a nice compliment. . . and Satan turns that compliment into kindling for my fire of perfection. For example, I reconnected last month with a woman who attended law school with me whom I did not know well during our years together. When I opened up to her about some recent struggles in my life, she revealed that she always thought I was "perfect" in law school-- top of my class, thin and attractive (yes, really!), had it all together, etc. And how proud I was then of how well I held it together! Of course she never knew about some of the secret ways I was totally out of control at the same time, but at least my outward appearance was within my set limitations! And that resulted in praise and accolades that were about ME ME ME getting glory! Not about God. Look at me and how good I am - now love me for it!

That desire for perfection is so ingrained, so much a part of my automatic thought-process, that my "performance" in that theater of control has become my VERY IDENTITY - my self-worth. Thus, my definition of myself changes daily based upon how well I did controlling my life that day, or worse, how others perceive how well I did controlling my life. Did you get that? I'm getting my identity from praise from others, NOT FROM THE UNFAILING LOVE OF GOD.

And shouldn't I know that a works-oriented method of defining myself WILL FAIL?? It is inevitable. I, or the others upon whom I depend in that "control vortex," will fall short of meeting my standards of perfection. And when that happens, my house built upon sand just crumbles. My comfort, or more accurately my very identity, is decimated. Just as a works-oriented approach FAILS to gain us salvation in eternity, it FAILS to give us comfort in this world. It is in God's grace alone that we find our true worth - a worth that does not fluctuate with the tides of perception or performance - but a worth that is forever and ever constant and perfect. Because our worth is Christ's worth -- we ARE justified and have been made righteous. My worth is not determined by how well I'm doing in the pathway toward sanctification as a godly woman, my worth is found in my already-accomplished justification before my sweet Lord.

For me, the guilt I feel when I don't meet my standards - whether I fall a little short or A LOT - is the same. Close isn't good enough - I have to hit the mark. And I know this, so I go completely overboard. If I'm going to beat myself up anyway, why not have a little fun doing it, right? At least it will give me temporary comfort. Whether I buy one shirt we can't afford or 500 shirts we can't afford. The guilt is the same. Whether I have one drink or 10 drinks. The guilt is the same. Whether I eat one cookie or a whole cake. The guilt is the same. In other words, I have a tendency to utterly abandon the process of sanctification after the slightest slip-up. Oh if I could only look at myself the way the Lord does -- with GRACE. His mercies are new every morning, and so should mine be.

My desire for affirmation from those around me leads me to stash those "out-of-control" moments in a secret place - to put them far away from the eyes of others and to keep up that appearance of perfection at all costs. Then I don't risk losing that praise and acceptance -- I still appear to be perfect, right? But quietly, in my innermost thoughts, I am beating myself up. Goodness knows, my self-inflicted punishment for those indiscretions is severe enough; I sure can't risk losing the praise of others or, worse, enduring their criticisms. And sometimes that self-inflicted punishment becomes so painful that even I cannot bear it. And in those times, I even manage to hide those indiscretions from the eyes of my own heart by finding a way to justify them. "I deserved to act that way" or "It was my right to act that way." Or more recently, "Well, I couldn't help it because there was a medical reason why I acted that way."

Oh and you can be SURE that Satan wants to keep those out of control moments in secret because in that deep, dark place . . . he has control over them. He wants me to find a way to explain them away instead of calling them out as what they are . . . SIN. Thus, not only have I lost that control I so covet, but my propensity to keep those "indiscretions" to myself has gift-wrapped them up for the Father of Lies. Yep, now I've given Satan the control.

God is convicting me. I have set so many standards for myself that I sometimes cannot tell the difference between: (1) standards that the world or I have imposed upon myself with no valid basis (i.e., the dishwasher must be cleaned out every night before my husband gets home); and (2) standards that God has set forth in his Word that move me towards sanctification. They have all just become "things I must do right." And goodness knows that I will fail at something from that exhaustive, and exhausting, list. We all do.

But what has just broken my heart is that so many times I utterly fail to strive for God's standards because I spend all of my time scrambling to keep up with those ridiculous standards that I've set for myself. Oh please tell me that Jesus didn't give His life for me so that I would be too distracted by keeping my house perfectly straightened up to bother with keeping God's commandments? But that is what I do. Just as when I appeared "perfect" in law school, I sometimes work so hard to keep up the appearance of perfection according to wordly standards . . . all the while secretly failing to even strivefor godly standards.

Enter MY thorn. If I did not suffer from anxiety and compulsive tendencies, then I might - just might - be able to keep up that illusion of control, convince myself that I am getting close to "perfection," and seek glory for myself that is deservedly and undeniably God's. But that was not His plan for me. He is refining me. And He is using my personal thorns - my weaknesses - to accomplish that.

God reminds us through the words of Paul in 2 Corinithians that God's power is best displayed against the backdrop of weakness and affliction (2 Corinthians 4:7) so that ONLY God receives the praise (2 Corinthians 10:17). Our weaknesses make us less than perfect. And that is exactly where God does his best work.

Oh, and Satan, I WILL NOT KEEP THESE SECRETS ANYMORE!